While Santa is mired in scandal at the North Pole, Dr. Mrs. Claus has been tapped for a cabinet post in the Biden White House. As the Secretary of the US Department of Good Cheer, her first task will be to absorb the Transportation Security Administration. She’s already begun to provide warm milk and cookies at all airport security checkpoints and — what else? — puppies in every terminal. (Flickr photo/Thomas Nilsson)

Santa Claus says Christmas will happen on schedule this year, despite reports that the elves are dissatisfied with workplace safety at the North Pole. CARES Act funding (upwards of $20 billion in gumdrops and hard cookies) may have been redirected by Jolly Old St. Nick into into a reindeer ranch in the Caribbean and designer shoes for Mrs. Claus, who — incidentally — has been tapped by the Biden administration to head the new Department of Good Cheer.

With John Straley, Finn Straley, Caitlin Woolsey, and Robert Woolsey.